Silence


It’s a way to think…. Silence. Understand things, go over things….

Speak to friends…. Reach out… They push away…. So…. Silence. Write it down, Nat… Read it back and feel more foolish… More like I don’t fit in. More like I don’t understand myself, perhaps worse than my so-called friends. Complex people are not meant to be figured out.

Funny part is I’m actually very simple. Need to be loved like anyone else, treated with respect and allowed my voice….

It’s like that for everyone I think… But there are some who put out a fiery spirit… Flatten the soul and file it under “crushed”. Narcissistic people… Nice then nasty.

I doubt myself all the time… It’s not what I dreamed for me…

So I bide my time still… All these years… And just remain silent.

Silence… Where my heart lives… It’s heartbreaking but safe…

Silence

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Think i answered myself


Another week, another insensitive crappy comment hurled at me. Another nasty remark and thoughtless attitude.

Selfish again… I am always the bad one… I ruined your weekend…

Your whining and criticism have swallowed my feelings for you. Overbearing, obnoxious and narcissistic dictator…want everything your way…

Can’t be me. Can’t have choice. Can’t laugh or Ile or dance.

You stand there and blame me and say that our sex life doesn’t exist because of me…

I wonder how you expect me to be loving when you treat me this way… It’s abuse. I’m trapped till I build my company and pay you everything I apparently owe you…

Some days I just want to disappear… Anywhere but here… But…. Responsibilities…

Be still…my broken heart


Ignore… Nasty narcissistic know-it-all, turn everything three-sixty like a coward and blame me.

Real men don’t make their woman cry so much, regret…

I failed yet again… Poor judgement, desperation for love and to be loved… I’m driven by this. You took my desperation and broke me…

I just keep on keeping… Trying everyday… I have to… For my child whom you drove away…

I’m broken… Hearted and spirited…. I don’t have any more hope that I will be loved by a man…

I am tired of the pain, sadness and being provoked… Emotionally bullied and told I’m the bully…

You must be proud…

Death of my will


Is there a way to bring back to life, one’s will?  Mine died an unnecessary death.  You battered me with negativity and told me just too many times how wrong I am and how everything is my fault and called me names… Like “stupid cunt”… What did you expect?  That I would sit quietly and receive constant hatred?  What do you keep me for?  To be your emotional punching bag?  I keep trying to tell myself it’s temporary and you will change… But you won’t.  I’ve given up… I have no will…. No will to love, no will to try, no will to do anything at all.

As someone who lives in constant hope….refusing to believe that people are so evil…. This is heavy for my soul….

I want to believe that I’m not all you say, that I’m good for something and maybe for someone…

But my will died… And I’m looking for hope…