Crystal Ball


I often wish I knew things before they happened so I can have a think first then act…

If I could; I would wish I had started my company in the nineties.

I would have never thought of myself so lowly, had poor self esteem and been with partners i regretted after…

I would pay a LOT more attention to my kids, never let them see me furious and guide them more…

I would have been much more careful with money, chosen paths carefully and I would never have settled for less than I deserve…

When I met you…. I was depressed. I had the lowest self esteem and I believed I was not fit for anyone to love… I should have been more focussed on my boy and my job…. But my dumb selfish need to be loved and wanted got in the way and I feel poorer for it.

You took me at my lowest and hurt me more…. In little bite sizes over three of the longest years of my life…and worst of all you don’t care…

You’ve broken almost everything I used to love… Material and emotional….

You chased my boy…. My beloved child…

Now all the neglect, pain, emotional abuse and tears have come to a head. I get it… I’m cured of selfishness. I don’t care for relationships or other people… I just love my kids and animals…

I bargained with you… I need somewhere to stay and you need your books done and house looked after… I will hear in the morning if you accept…

Funny… I look forward to when you’re gone, dread you coming home and I avoid conversation…. It’s true what they say: a relationship doesn’t fade… It is murdered by attitude.

If I had my crystal ball…. Would I change things… Oh yes!

For now… Just stay under the radar…. Keep out of your way and your hurtful rhetoric, your spiteful actions, mean words… Just…. Lay low…

I wish…

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Numb


Lyrics – Linkin Park, speaking to my soul….

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

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Emotional Abuse


It’s abuse… It’s unfair…

You say I say nasty things, but you started it. I’ve had a lifetime of soul destroying pain and misery. You were supposed to be my blanket. My comfort. Instead you destroy me…

I’m confused by the times you’re kind and seem loving.. then wake up when you disrespect me, ignore me and neglect me.

You say I must come to you for comfort. Shouldn’t you just come and comfort me?

I’m confused as to why all this happens to me. I question my purpose. I question my life. I often consider death, but realise I may hurt people I do love, my boys… My cats… What will become of them?

I want to make a success of my venture and leave. Find peace… Even though it hurts inside so deeply to be rejected yet again… To be neglected and carelessly treated like I don’t matter…

Here I am at 3:30 in the morning in the spare bedroom again. Crying. Alone. I’ve been crying all night. At 5:00 I have to bath and get ready for my market… And you will be leaving for the farm and leaving me alone for days on this plot… Not worried about me or cared.

My heart is so broken… I am so sad… And I’m so tired to be this way….

I need rescue…

Grow


I push and push my little business up the hill.  I need money… bills to pay, prison dues…

Lucky I am creative… Lucky I explore… Lucky I still can, after it all…

I realised something about myself today.  I am no longer naive.  Or trusting, or cared about my appearance.  Though I stay neat and tidy… at least.  I often feel like I am so badly damaged that I have stopped believing in romance or love…

I wonder with all this depression and sadness through life-long abandonment, loss and negativity that surrounds me… is it growth?

Am I done for?  Or did I grow?

Where do I go from here?  Push ahead… Keep going… My family needs me…

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The morning after the rain…


It’s morning… Already? I just closed my eyes… The rain played a song in my head that took me to my dreams… relief… A Burchell’s Cuckoo brought me out of a dream I don’t remember… Beautiful green outside… The rain makes everything so lovely and I so appreciate it… I’m afraid… He’s back today. No doubt… he will threaten me with throwing me out knowing I have nowhere to go…. Predictably I will cry…. Start to pack my things… And then realise I need to try stay until my company is up and running well… and then I swallow the hurt and pain and any pride I have left…and beg to stay. This is abuse I know… but life hasn’t presented me with many choices, even if I tried to create my own opportunities… It is what it is. I used to pray to be rescued in my youth… Now I just pray for a good day. I need to rescue myself. Stay strong. Press on. I’m so close…. Just need to hold on. In the meantime, I should try and sleep…. Insomnia is terrible for the eyes and mind and I need to look my best….

Silence


It’s a way to think…. Silence. Understand things, go over things….

Speak to friends…. Reach out… They push away…. So…. Silence. Write it down, Nat… Read it back and feel more foolish… More like I don’t fit in. More like I don’t understand myself, perhaps worse than my so-called friends. Complex people are not meant to be figured out.

Funny part is I’m actually very simple. Need to be loved like anyone else, treated with respect and allowed my voice….

It’s like that for everyone I think… But there are some who put out a fiery spirit… Flatten the soul and file it under “crushed”. Narcissistic people… Nice then nasty.

I doubt myself all the time… It’s not what I dreamed for me…

So I bide my time still… All these years… And just remain silent.

Silence… Where my heart lives… It’s heartbreaking but safe…

Silence