Crystal Ball


I often wish I knew things before they happened so I can have a think first then act…

If I could; I would wish I had started my company in the nineties.

I would have never thought of myself so lowly, had poor self esteem and been with partners i regretted after…

I would pay a LOT more attention to my kids, never let them see me furious and guide them more…

I would have been much more careful with money, chosen paths carefully and I would never have settled for less than I deserve…

When I met you…. I was depressed. I had the lowest self esteem and I believed I was not fit for anyone to love… I should have been more focussed on my boy and my job…. But my dumb selfish need to be loved and wanted got in the way and I feel poorer for it.

You took me at my lowest and hurt me more…. In little bite sizes over three of the longest years of my life…and worst of all you don’t care…

You’ve broken almost everything I used to love… Material and emotional….

You chased my boy…. My beloved child…

Now all the neglect, pain, emotional abuse and tears have come to a head. I get it… I’m cured of selfishness. I don’t care for relationships or other people… I just love my kids and animals…

I bargained with you… I need somewhere to stay and you need your books done and house looked after… I will hear in the morning if you accept…

Funny… I look forward to when you’re gone, dread you coming home and I avoid conversation…. It’s true what they say: a relationship doesn’t fade… It is murdered by attitude.

If I had my crystal ball…. Would I change things… Oh yes!

For now… Just stay under the radar…. Keep out of your way and your hurtful rhetoric, your spiteful actions, mean words… Just…. Lay low…

I wish…

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Lyrics – Linkin Park, speaking to my soul….

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow
And every second I waste is more than I can take!

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
By becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

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