my 33rd birthday


My child, Boo… I love you more than life…

I remember all the stages, all the little things and all your tears, laughter, tantrums, happiness, your likes and dislikes and how it’s all changed the way you have…

I remember you telling me at age eight that you’re scared to grow up… and you wish you could be eight forever. I told you that everything would be just fine. Secretly I wished the same thing…

I’m glad that I have so much love for you and your brother and that you know that I do. That I hug you a lot and we still play tickle fights…

I got the best present anyone could ever get when you were born just ten days after my birthday fourteen years ago, September 18th…

Love you so much Boo…

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Jungle


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Maanblom or Angel’s Trumpets are originally from South America. This is the view from my back door. These pretty plants are actually very dangerous, but apparently butterflies leave larvae in the flowers to protect them.

In my front garden, I have aloe, delicious monsters and a cherry-plumb tree.

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Down the driveway across from a park is a river and bodies of water.

The species of birds range from goose, duck, peacocks (they sit in the cherry plum tree and crap on my deck), ibis, owl, red-breasted robin, various woodpeckers, many different colourful birds… all of which have recently made their appearance. We also have swallows and doves. Frogs and crickets make a soothing noise at night and during the day starting at 5am the birds fly over my house making a loud noise – nature’s alarm clock. There’s also roosters… I thought it was one, but it seems there’s a few. They compete with the geese and ducks as well as the cawing of the peacocks.

My two brain dead but lovable cats are terrified of the peacocks

change


I’ve been depressed and negative for months…

Had a long chat with my sister, and had an “aah-hah!” moment. I was so wrapped in my own misery… so wrapped up in trying to understand or dissect the past, my relationships and life that I’ve forgotten so much…

I’ve dragged myself down, never believed in myself and always thought I was average…

I’m awesome actually. I’m tough, but very kind and giving. I’m pretty and clever. I’m determined and effective. I persevere.

Tomorrow is a new day… fuck everyone who didn’t believe in me, who carelessly tossed me away and used me.

I can and will rise above all this and do so much better!

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fear of rejection


Where I once was brave, I’m defeated now by fear of rejection.

It’s a horrible circle… I’m afraid to make contact, because I may be ignored, rejected and hurt again… so I say nothing. Do nothing. Just try to go forward the best way I can… focus on my teen, my cats, my plants, my job…. keep the house tidy, catch up ironing and read…

I am trying to be as positive as possible… its just that I’ve been rejected and abandoned too many times… now I cower from people…

Physical pain doesn’t always last… emotional pain can…