I thought I had this seemingly interminable writers’ block but I was wrong. I wonder if there was no name for it, would it exist? In any event thought-blogging is writing of some sort as it takes skill and guts to get one’s point across using one’s thoughts in one’s head! Often one’s thoughts are another’s too. Always helpful I think.
Its early on Saturday and I should be relaxing but my mind is exceedingly busy. I am thinking about everything going on, my job and things to do, my skin, my child and his exams, finding a supportive partner, my camera, money, my family, writing etc.
Focussing is difficult however I eventually do focus on a question which remains unanswered in my head; why are so many people in my life Machiavellian? Perhaps they exist in other people’s lives too, however one hardly hears complaint.
I actually don’t see the point to being a sneaky schemer. In fact I can understand a few white lies but unscrupulous opportunistic underhandedness eludes me completely. I realised today, I trusted so much through my life only to become a victim (in fact the hex said I “play the victim” when actually he did very often do that very thing. ).
I actually believe in the good in others first, to then be disappointed later. Story of my life (insert rolling eyes here).
Don’t get me wrong… there is good and I doggedly hold onto the belief that this is true. I just question why the bad seems to find me like a magnet?
Whoever is paying attention in Multiverse – bring me the good for a change.
I lived a long hard life and it’s about time dammit!
Someone once told me I am ‘complex’ and ‘far too intelligent for this world’. If that is true, why can I never attract like-minded persons (friends and partners)?
This life-time did not come with express instructions and if it did I ignored all of them as this is my nature. I want to write my own instructions which I feel are fair and humane. In my heart I feel there are greater forces at work trying to bring me down. But I will always be different, never fit in and be as positive as I can be in the process.
I believe there’s no merit or point to deviousness, and it seems in regular society it is all too common – the “other white meat” of criminality towards humanity in general. Karma does indeed exist, having felt the brunt of its anger a few times (by the way for being mean and not devious).
In summation; it pays to regularly examine one’s personality and eradicate that which taints it to the point of leaning into “the dark side”. We will all be better for it!
A Woman’s Shortcomings
She has laughed as softly as if she sighed,
She has counted six, and over,
Of a purse well filled, and a heart well tried –
Oh, each a worthy lover!
They “give her time”; for her soul must slip
Where the world has set the grooving;
She will lie to none with her fair red lip:
But love seeks truer loving.
She trembles her fan in a sweetness dumb,
As her thoughts were beyond recalling;
With a glance for one, and a glance for some,
From her eyelids rising and falling;
Speaks common words with a blushful air,
Hears bold words, unreproving;
But her silence says – what she never will swear –
And love seeks better loving.
Go, lady! lean to the night-guitar,
And drop a smile to the bringer;
Then smile as sweetly, when he is far,
At the voice of an in-door singer.
Bask tenderly beneath tender eyes;
Glance lightly, on their removing;
And join new vows to old perjuries –
But dare not call it loving!
Unless you can think, when the song is done,
No other is soft in the rhythm;
Unless you can feel, when left by One,
That all men else go with him;
Unless you can know, when unpraised by his breath,
That your beauty itself wants proving;
Unless you can swear “For life, for death!” –
Oh, fear to call it loving!
Unless you can muse in a crowd all day
On the absent face that fixed you;
Unless you can love, as the angels may,
With the breadth of heaven betwixt you;
Unless you can dream that his faith is fast,
Through behoving and unbehoving;
Unless you can die when the dream is past –
Oh, never call it loving!
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Halfway through a bottle of sauvignon blanc I am warm and fuzzy but troubled.
I am made acutely aware of how inept I am when it comes to relationships. My sister is a married woman – 23 years (shout hoorah). Living in her shadow is a pain in the arse.
It’s not that there is anything really wrong with me; it’s that I seem to have chosen duds. You see, I seek the unconventional. The guy that stands out, is odd man out, is different. I don’t care too much for looks; I care for the nature of the man. So what went wrong?
Bad judgement. Where I thought someone was perfect and fit the criteria, turns out he’s a jerk. The weird part is the jerks in my life have been a mixture of cute and ugly and everything in between.
So where to now?
I don’t know. Let’s see what this Multiverse throws at me…
I learned things don’t stay good or bad but the experience in between is the one my soul needs for its journey.
I learned my son and I can have loads of fun together and maybe its because he loves sushi and good film as much as I do. Also, lemon ice tea…
I learned I love laughing, I am very good at it and it is my most attractive feature.
I learned I am addicted to the Big Bang Theory comedy show and that’s actually cool.
I learned that not all men are intimidated by my intelligence or me just being me.
I learned that a treadmill is an excellent replacement for the road, especially when my eyes are closed and I am plugged into my favourite tunes.
I learned I am far stronger than I give myself credit for. Its all mind, gut-feel and attitude.