The unfortunateness of being in love is only overshadowed by the loss of the beloved, especially when the reasons are murky.
Then again there are various descriptions and perceptions about what love is. When I look around, love seems to be a combination of relief, synchronicity, passion, peace, turmoil, affection, touch and intimacy. To know you love someone is when you feel you will give of yourself completely selflessly and forgive them their faults.
Love prevails not because of one’s perceived bad points, but in spite of them and this is where it is either dangerous or works out really well.
I’ve taken some risks in my life…loved blindly for the sake of loving and in the hope of a (one-time selfish), respite from loneliness and feeling that I am loved in return. The problem with that are one’s expectations (one…single, being me at this stage).
I, and probably most of the world population too, have been terribly disappointed and let down many times. People make promises when they love and they forget, but I do remember… every promise, every word I wanted to hear or read and every emotion felt. Of course, there will be societal-indoctrinated sayings that raise their ugly heads; ‘have no expectations’, ‘go slow’, ‘time to move on’ to name a few; but we all know that hardly any of us pay attention to any popular dogma.
I am a problem-solver. I have always loved puzzles and finding solutions to issues of all kinds. When I am broken (metaphorically speaking of course), I fix myself by trying to find the source of the problem and solving it; to prevent reoccurrence or have knowledge about what to do “next time”. Sounds a bit clinical, but it does help me…
To solve problems one requires all the relevant information. If some of the information is missing, the problem goes unsolved – this makes me edgy. If there’s a problem with a relationship, I need to know what it is. If the problem is compatibility, the answer is simple – the relationship won’t survive later with compatibility issues, unless those issues are simple misunderstandings. Equally simple, if the problem is the chap doesn’t feel the same about me, it will definitely be time to move on. However, whatever the problem may be, communication with regards to same is crucial to me, so I can problem solve and make that important decision (work at the relationship or move on).
Although it seems simple to everyone else, I always also have the “what if” questions. What if he didn’t understand something about me? What if there are outside factors affecting the progress of the relationship?
Also, I hate being wrong and making mistakes especially in choices relating to life partners. Basically I need someone who doesn’t struggle to communicate and who is willing to work at the relationship. Shouldn’t be too difficult right? I must be mixing in the wrong circles because my heart is forming a hard shell around itself (again metaphorically speaking), and the road ahead is certainly not clear…
I’m sitting quietly and not saying a word inside my head after this. I will zone out to hardcore music and exercise.
Can only be good.