Age…and jobs


I have been actively searching for a job since November last year and despite my wealth of experience (technical sales), I am bypassed mainly due to age! Preposterous reason as I am only 45 young with so much to give. I am so stressed about not getting a job that I have become sick with flu (and my son is now sick also).

Money – source of all misery.

POST EDIT: Don’t feel too sorry for me yet, I have a few great prospects 🙂


Liar Liar…

Everyone lies and I accept that but I don’t tolerate lies easily, especially from someone I care about.  Mendacious people make me nervous and I think I make them equally nervy as I am so honest, sometimes to the point of revealing all and appearing to wear my heart on my sleeve in relationships (sometimes… because I am aware of it, I try to be a little more guarded).


I guess depending on the situation, a little twist in a story can spare feelings, save your job and even give someone confidence.  Is that then known as an acceptable lie?  That’s for you to decide.


When my son lies to me, it hurts me that he didn’t feel he could trust me sufficiently to tell me the truth.  It hurts that he didn’t feel he could let me help him.  I am after all his mommy and its’ because I love him that I want to help – no matter what it is.


I am suspicious by nature, a habit adopted from my father who was also suspicious and an ex-detective in the South African Police during the nineteen-sixties and nineteen-seventies.


Added to that are my negative life experiences; despite being suspicious, I would normally give people the benefit of the doubt and with time, nefarious sorts would prove that being trusting is idiotic (I’m sure this is true for many).


Trust is earned, not in an instant – but over time through trials, through proof and through understanding.


Or so I believe…



My android mind and despair…

I imagine human beings are biological androids, designed for various purposes and animated by a soul.  If this is true, then population explosion cannot be true, because where would the additional souls come from?  Think about it…  If population explosion is true (because we all know I don’t trust any popular so-called “scientific” statements unless I have tested it for myself), then souls would need to be divided for any new “androids” to function and it is possible some of them function on a lesser type (or darker part), of the “original” whole soul.


My reasoning is this would explain overly good and overly bad people.  If the soul is split, this would create confusion and ignorance, making “androids” easier to control (divide and conquer).  I submit that I very much doubt the “whole” soul is split by itself (I believe that it is a requirement to have both good and bad, dark and light, yin and yang within a soul in order to create any “experience” for the whole soul), there is probably some outside interference which may have interfered with the whole soul for their own nefarious reasons.


“Whole souls” which is split apart then seek out each other, testing the frequencies to ensure a perfect match.  Since the splits have been continuing for eons, the correct parts/frequencies become incredibly difficult to find in order to complete the puzzle.


This is why we despair… why we are saddened.  We find that which we believe is a part of us, only to have doubt and fear creep in.  Doubt and fear is the negative  (dark, yang etc), part of the programme and is necessary to ensure we struggle to find and connect with the rest of our soul(s) in order to become whole.  Sadly our physical lives are designed with these negative programmes in place; we are indoctrinated from birth to doubt everything and fear many things and this is enforced during our lives.


What is the answer?  I haven’t found it yet, but I am close. I’m always close.  In the meantime I wallow as I am designed to because disappointment can be overwhelming…



Nat 21 feb 2012

Analysis of my ardour. A post Valentine’s day depressive.

The unfortunateness of being in love is only overshadowed by the loss of the beloved, especially when the reasons are murky.

Then again there are various descriptions and perceptions about what love is. When I look around, love seems to be a combination of relief, synchronicity, passion, peace, turmoil, affection, touch and intimacy. To know you love someone is when you feel you will give of yourself completely selflessly and forgive them their faults.

Love prevails not because of one’s perceived bad points, but in spite of them and this is where it is either dangerous or works out really well.

I’ve taken some risks in my life…loved blindly for the sake of loving and in the hope of a (one-time selfish), respite from loneliness and feeling that I am loved in return. The problem with that are one’s expectations (one…single, being me at this stage).

I, and probably most of the world population too, have been terribly disappointed and let down many times. People make promises when they love and they forget, but I do remember… every promise, every word I wanted to hear or read and every emotion felt. Of course, there will be societal-indoctrinated sayings that raise their ugly heads; ‘have no expectations’, ‘go slow’, ‘time to move on’ to name a few; but we all know that hardly any of us pay attention to any popular dogma.

I am a problem-solver. I have always loved puzzles and finding solutions to issues of all kinds. When I am broken (metaphorically speaking of course), I fix myself by trying to find the source of the problem and solving it; to prevent reoccurrence or have knowledge about what to do “next time”.  Sounds a bit clinical, but it does help me…

To solve problems one requires all the relevant information. If some of the information is missing, the problem goes unsolved – this makes me edgy. If there’s a problem with a relationship, I need to know what it is. If the problem is compatibility, the answer is simple – the relationship won’t survive later with compatibility issues, unless those issues are simple misunderstandings. Equally simple, if the problem is the chap doesn’t feel the same about me, it will definitely be time to move on. However, whatever the problem may be, communication with regards to same is crucial to me, so I can problem solve and make that important decision (work at the relationship or move on).

Although it seems simple to everyone else, I always also have the “what if” questions. What if he didn’t understand something about me? What if there are outside factors affecting the progress of the relationship?

Also, I hate being wrong and making mistakes especially in choices relating to life partners. Basically I need someone who doesn’t struggle to communicate and who is willing to work at the relationship. Shouldn’t be too difficult right? I must be mixing in the wrong circles because my heart is forming a hard shell around itself (again metaphorically speaking), and the road ahead is certainly not clear…

I’m sitting quietly and not saying a word inside my head after this.  I will zone out to hardcore music and exercise.

Can only be good.

Love love2