Wine an me…

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Hey bottle of red cabernet… It’s just you and me again… Still…. 

Drunken happiness, warm fire, slow music…

Just me an you, Mr Cabernet…

Death of my will

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Is there a way to bring back to life, one’s will?  Mine died an unnecessary death.  You battered me with negativity and told me just too many times how wrong I am and how everything is my fault and called me names… Like “stupid cunt”… What did you expect?  That I would sit quietly and receive constant hatred?  What do you keep me for?  To be your emotional punching bag?  I keep trying to tell myself it’s temporary and you will change… But you won’t.  I’ve given up… I have no will…. No will to love, no will to try, no will to do anything at all.

As someone who lives in constant hope….refusing to believe that people are so evil…. This is heavy for my soul….

I want to believe that I’m not all you say, that I’m good for something and maybe for someone…

But my will died… And I’m looking for hope… 

Busy

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Busy on web, phone, in person… No time to think sad thoughts.  Be positive, be happy…pretend… Breath…

Busy…

Rich

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What is rich?  Money and things? Yes…

Richer still is love and kindness.  Sadly… These are rare….

Extraordinary

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I’m no “wife” bound by paper and number.  I’m no “wait-at-home” woman… waiting for you to return from drunken exploits.

I’m no “chick”, “babe” or pleasure toy.  I’m not your mommy, chef or prostitute.

I’m not your emotional punching bag, your psychiatrist, servant or doctor.

I’m extraordinary.  

I tire of this world’s hurtful kinds.  I’m angry at the cruelty and I will never understand their reasoning.

I’m ashamed of my choices.  I’m sad that I’ve harmed myself and I detest the fact that I’m trapped.

I’m a quietly rebellious warrior.  Inside my head I’m repulsed by your nature but outwardly I have stopped trying to let you know.

You say hurtful things, I don’t cry anymore.  Inside my head I see myself a success, gone,happy.  

You neglect me now and I’m just happy for the peace without you.

You criticize me, I say nothing and don’t react anymore.

You see… you’ve pushed me so far away, I’ve realised just how extraordinary I am.

You did me a huge favour… so now I bide my time…

my child

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when I brought you home, I lay by your side and watched you sleep… Your tiny hands… I held them with two fingers.  I loved you before you were born and love you so much more every year…  

You think you’re a man…but you’re just a boy.  I won’t correct you because you need to learn this for yourself.  

I sacrifice because it’s what I do… because I love you… one day when you’re a parent, you will understand.

Love

Mom

wash away…

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Rain.  Lots of it.  Softly falling, dripping drain, noisy trees, sleeping dogs, soft light, quiet…. cat on my lap and cat by my side, warm… sleepy.

Just let go… drift away… tomorrow is the next day… for now, listen to the falling melody… Rain… Lots of it…

Sleep….

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