Rich

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What is rich?  Money and things? Yes…

Richer still is love and kindness.  Sadly… These are rare….

Extraordinary

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I’m no “wife” bound by paper and number.  I’m no “wait-at-home” woman… waiting for you to return from drunken exploits.

I’m no “chick”, “babe” or pleasure toy.  I’m not your mommy, chef or prostitute.

I’m not your emotional punching bag, your psychiatrist, servant or doctor.

I’m extraordinary.  

I tire of this world’s hurtful kinds.  I’m angry at the cruelty and I will never understand their reasoning.

I’m ashamed of my choices.  I’m sad that I’ve harmed myself and I detest the fact that I’m trapped.

I’m a quietly rebellious warrior.  Inside my head I’m repulsed by your nature but outwardly I have stopped trying to let you know.

You say hurtful things, I don’t cry anymore.  Inside my head I see myself a success, gone,happy.  

You neglect me now and I’m just happy for the peace without you.

You criticize me, I say nothing and don’t react anymore.

You see… you’ve pushed me so far away, I’ve realised just how extraordinary I am.

You did me a huge favour… so now I bide my time…

my child

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when I brought you home, I lay by your side and watched you sleep… Your tiny hands… I held them with two fingers.  I loved you before you were born and love you so much more every year…  

You think you’re a man…but you’re just a boy.  I won’t correct you because you need to learn this for yourself.  

I sacrifice because it’s what I do… because I love you… one day when you’re a parent, you will understand.

Love

Mom

wash away…

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Rain.  Lots of it.  Softly falling, dripping drain, noisy trees, sleeping dogs, soft light, quiet…. cat on my lap and cat by my side, warm… sleepy.

Just let go… drift away… tomorrow is the next day… for now, listen to the falling melody… Rain… Lots of it…

Sleep….

What women want – Part 1

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I’m sitting here with a million thoughts in my head and I can’t get everything out.

I wish you could see “ME” and not what you perceive I am.  I wish you could see my heart, feel my soul and hear my thoughts.

It’s been a tiring two-years… I’m confused, afraid, worried about what’s next.  I am not perfect – I know that, but I do feel “compared”… Yes, I have this odd gift where I am very perceptive… I feel intentions and I can feel when they are up to no good…

Yes… I am reactive and can’t help defending myself.  Does that make me crazy?  Is that a bad thing?  Who can define crazy actually?

I acknowledge I do obsess… perhaps the perfectionist in me is the obsessed.  I need to learn to just say nothing.  Do nothing.  After-all, Karma exists doesn’t it?

I never had proper guidance, so I “wing it”.  Make it up as I go.  Make mistakes too… just like everyone else.

I cling to hope.  I hope maybe you will see how the things you carelessly say, hurt me… some of it so deeply.  When you forget your manners and make demands… when you cut me off as I’m getting into a discussion…

I hope you will see that I don’t cut you off.  I listen.  I love unconditionally.  I participate where I can.  I give and I don’t mind to give because its out of love.  I don’t expect you to be me… I just expect to be acknowledged, loved, cared for… and of course, appreciated.

I wish you would respect me more.  Respect my feelings.  Respect what I have been through and and what I have done and had to do to survive.

I can only put this out there in the multiverse and hope and wish and pray that you subconsciously “hear” my cries for understanding.

I cannot change you.  That you need to do yourself.  I am not unfair.  You need to see how your attitude affects everyone around you and yes, you can change.  There is always that.  But even if you don’t… at least add some good things to your actions.

blue-lotus

can it be?

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try

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try look for good.  It’s here somewhere.  I struggle to understand why people can say they love you but let you fall… say they care but don’t support you emotionally… 

I try.  I am starting to lose my nerve to go on or not.  Confused by my purpose… Why?  Why so much pain?  I don’t understand

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